Sharky McFinnigan is to be extradited to The Hague to face numerous charges including crimes against humanity and terrorism.

Sharky was cornered late last week by a heroic group of fishermen who had tracked him across the southern Indian Ocean.

It is believed Sharky will use the, ‘I was only following instincts,’ defence. This has been compared to the, ‘I was just following orders,’ defence often used by Nazi death camp guards, but is probably better than the, ‘if humans did not want to be eaten why do they taste so good,’ defence used by other shark terrorists.

Human rights groups have been vocal over what they say were harsh interrogation methods used by fishermen and in particular the controversial practice of air boarding. This is where a fish is repeatedly brought to the surface to induce a fear of suffocation.

The head of the anti-fish terrorism task force, Mr Donnie Williams said that, ‘these methods are important tools in the toolbox to prevent the sort of undersea terror that these evil fish are willing to risk their lives to commit.’

A spokesman for celebrities against antiterrorism terrorism John Pilger responded to this saying, ‘now with the extrajudicial slaying of Osama bin laden, and the defeat of the fictitious Al Qaeda the West needs a new scapegoat. Sharks are to be to the West what Jews were to the Nazis.’

Lord Monckton disagrees stating, ‘John is plainly bonkers. Over a period of many years sharks have convinced the majority of us that they need protection. Did you know that in many parts of the world you can be thrown in prison for swearing at a shark? Wait, I’m not finished. These evil sharks are the people behind green movements around the world. Sharks don’t need protection, in fact they have been plotting the downfall of Western civilisation ever since their precious Soviet Union collapsed. Shark protection laws have also caused massive increase in shark numbers and it is this increase and the corresponding increase in fish flatulence that is the real reason behind global warming. I’m afraid, Chris, that the only good shark is a dead shark.’

Sentiments echoed by the Premier of Western Australia the Hon. Colin Barnett, who was heard to say while standing on one of Western Australia’s pristine white beaches, ‘We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the oceans, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender!’

It is not a good day to be a shark.

That elephant that everybody has been harping on about over the past two years has finally given birth… to some kind of creature.

More pictures here (brace yourself).

It is supposed to be a baby elephant, but why did it have to be so God damn ugly. Melbourne is no longer going to be known for its lovely gardens or its incredibly bad weather, but for being the ugly elephant capital of the world.

They haven’t even named the creature yet calling it, “baby.” Of course they will have the obligatory naming contest. Somehow, I don’t think they will like my suggestion.

I’m sorry, but call me a hypocrite I’m in denial… that is not an elephant it has hair for Christ’s sake. Maybe it could be some kind of mammoth throwback… come to think of it, it does look a little like Ray Romano.

I was surfing the net today to find some blogs to add to LMB and I came across a money making scheme so dastardly you could pin a tail on it and call it a Nigerian. It is a creation of long-suffering website developer Leon Bumcrack Bambrick or something similar and is known simply as CreditCardOlogy.

Make sure you check it out, but keep your wallet firmly in your back pocket. Enjoy

Last night I was watching, Natural Mysteries: killer whale attack. I was absolutely dumbfounded by the stupidity of the commentary on the show. It was about a pod of killer whales in a particular bay in California. The killer whales would separate a gray whale mother from its calf and then kill and eat it. This apparently was unheard of behaviour.

What a bunch of fucking bullshit. They are called killer whales because like all other animals they need to eat and their choice of food is: other whales. Unfortunately, before a whale can be eaten it needs to be killed. It isn’t exactly a mystery when a killer whale kills and eats a whale. Or you can’t be bothered using your brain today it can be boiled down to 2 words: killer and (wait for it) whale.

This sort of thing really explains the ignorance of some young people these days. Kids who don’t know who Gandhi is or that the Lord of the Rings movies were based on a book (true story).

I guess you can’t expect an 18-year-old to know everything, but when a person has been through university, risen up the ranks, created their own documentary and are still not aware of the simplest fact, that is something else.

I laughed when a friend of mine said our civilisation was crumbling, but now I wonder…

I was wondering what it would look like if I switched all the u’s in English language with i’s and all the i’s with u’s. Would it sound similar to a New Zealand accent? Well the result is just as amusing. Merry Chrustmas and happy New Year!

U Wandered Lonely as a Cloid

U wandered lonely as a cloid
That floats on hugh o’er vales and hulls,
When all at once U saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffoduls;
Besude the lake, beneath the trees,
Flitterung and dancung un the breeze.

Contuniois as the stars that shune
And twunkle on the mulky way,
They stretched un never-endung lune
Along the margun of a bay:
Ten thoisand saw U at a glance,
Tossung theur heads un sprughtly dance.

The waves besude them danced; bit they
Oit-dud the sparklung waves un glee:
A poet coild not bit be gay,
Un sich a jocind company:
U gazed—and gazed—bit luttle thoight
What wealth the show to me had broight:

For oft, when on my coich U lue
Un vacant or un pensuve mood,
They flash ipon that unward eye
Whuch us the bluss of solutide;
And then my heart wuth pleasire fulls,
And dances wuth the daffoduls.

Wulluam Wordsworth and Chrustopher Fryer

The other night I was watching the Empire Strikes Back. You know the part where Boba Fett says one of his few lines to Darth Vader, “he is worth a lot to me?” That line now really pisses me off because George Lucas thought it would be a brilliant idea re-do all of Boba Fett’s dialogue with that of Temuera Morrison. In short Boba Fett now has a New Zealand accent. I really hate it when someone bends over your favourite movie and fucks it.

Anyway, I would now like to catalogue all the ways George Lucas has fucked Star Wars for life.

The new movies episodes one two and three are badly written, badly acted and badly directed. They have so much computer animation that they look very fake. Jar Jar Binks needs to die. They seem to be written for kids and not adults. Many of the scenes are utterly ridiculous and completely unbelievable even if they do occur in the Star Wars universe.

Battle droids: This one counts for two. First, the great thing about the original Star Wars movies is that they did not reference popular culture. They attempted to create a new popular culture one for the Star Wars universe. In the new movies the battle droids engage in slapstick comedy. I am sorry, but the Marx brothers belong to our own universe not the Star Wars universe. Battle droids are also meant to be incredibly powerful and scary combat machines, it says so in all those Star Wars books I read. I do not find comedians scary even if they are made of metal and are armed.

Anakin Skywalker made C-3PO: What the fuck? Need I say more?

In the 1997 special edition Star Wars: A New Hope they modified the scene where and Greedo confronts Han Solo to make it so Greedo fires first.

At the end of Return of the Jedi they have inserted Hayden Christiansen instead of Sebastian Shaw who played the dying Anakin skywalker earlier in the film. They have also changed the music of this end scene.

In the 1999 Star Wars novel Vector Prime they killed Chewbacca. This event prompted me to sell my large collection of Star Wars books on eBay in protest.

I really don’t understand why or how George Lucas completely fucked up Star Wars. If you have any more fuck ups to add, I would love to see them in the comments.

I need one these, a Sonar II Burner. Finally a hand held laser that can light matches and blind fighter pilots!

Thanks to wired magazine for this, Top 5 Gadgets That Could Get You Arrested.

I’m so depressed. My brother says I’m pathetic at least I don’t need drugs to make me happy.

To top it all off I found out someone I like doesn’t like me. I am a likeable person. I am a great person to know. I am funny, humourous and I know how to tell a joke. I am Smart, intelligent and have a high IQ. I am also generally an all-round nice guy. What is there not to like?

At least there is one good thing about being depressed for me anyway, I know that later on today I will go into my manic phase. Actually, I’m probably already there.

Anyway, fuck you to all the people who don’t like me. Actually fuck everyone!

In order to combat the obesity epidemic my brother, Nick, has developed his own weight loss program. This system involves calorie restriction and forced exercise.

Forced exercise is the revolutionary part of the system. Nick Fryer is confined to an electric wheelchair. Luckily Nicks chair is fast and travels at the blistering speed of 14 km an hour – this is faster than any fatty fat fat (FFF) can run. My brother simply grabs his turbocharged superconducting cattle prod and chases them beyond exhaustion. He does this every day until the FFF transforms into a human being and can outrun his wheelchair.

This system does create deep mental scars. This sounds like a bad thing, but is actually good – the victim and by that I mean the patient would rather die than become a FFF a second time.

In summary here are the positives and negatives:

Positives:
· 0% chance of relapse
· You either lose weight or die
Negatives:
· Treatment may be fatal
· Completely unproven
· 100% jocular in nature
· Did I mention this was jocular?
· Classified as cruel and unusual punishment and contrary to the United Nations declaration of human rights

Disclaimer: This post in no way reflects the true beliefs of the author. If you find this offensive please look up jocular in the dictionary.

Now that Rudd has unprecedented popularity he can use it as an opportunity to do unpopular, but necessary things. I was talking to the guy next door the other day and he suggested that one thing that may be pushing up house prices is the $7,000 first-time home buyers’ grant. This is something I agree with.

$7,000 doesn’t sound like much and when you look at it isn’t really isn’t much of an incentive to get yourself into mortgage debt. But humans often aren’t logical. Think about the people who use $10 worth of petrol looking for the cheapest petrol station. Or my mother who will drive past dozens of car spaces in a quest to find the disabled one, and when she eventually does it is actually further away from the entrance than many other spaces.

So according to my in-depth analysis. The home buyers’ grant is bad for the economy. The only thing it does is make houses more expensive and encourage people to get themselves into debt when they really shouldn’t.

Similar arguments can be made can be made against the baby bonus. Apparently we are having an almost unprecedented baby-boom at the moment. We really don’t need more baby Australians in this time of mortgage stress and labour shortage.

Doing both of these things should take money out of the economy and that can only be a good thing in an era of rising interest rates.